Childhood trauma

Assalmualaikum. Hello all~

Sometimes I am just so whiny and insecure, extra sensitive and think too much about all small things. When actually, it's nothing much.

I think it all started because of a few factors. My few childhood traumas. Are they even traumas?

1. Being the middle child of a HUGE family.
Being the 5th of 11 children. And the 4th daughter out of 7. Imagine growing up in that crowd. I love all my other siblings, don't get me wrong! But growing up having to fight over who gets the driest towel, how many nuggets per person, who gets to sleep on the best side of the bed, it's pretty traumatic. Hahaha.

2. Being a very developed-minded little girl.
Let's just say I learnt very fast when I was a child. So, I tend to say very blunt and stupid things because most geniuses are stupid that way. Yes, my IQ was 165. WAS. Past tense. I think I have an average IQ now.
For example, I learnt reading when I was 4 years old. When I was 7, in darjah 1, of course I can already read most things.
One of my friends asked me: "Maryam, macam mana eja nombor 9?"
And my answer: "What? Nombor 9 pon xtau eja??"
No, I wasn't mocking!! I was just very genuinely suprised that she didn't know how to spell that.

3. People hated me because I was quiet.
Most people hated me when I was in primary school. Maybe because I was very smart or I spoke English with a British accent. Or I was dark as night. But the hating stopped after I skipped 4th standard. But the first few years of my school life, I was kinda alone and only befriended quiet people.

4. People hated me because I was noisy.
I was very noisy after I skipped 4th standard. Maybe because I was younger than most of my classmates and wanted to act cute and annoying?? Hahaha. I don't know~ Maybe that's just the way I am. Most people cannot accept how noisy and high on sugar I can be.
I remember in form 3, we had to choose our dormmates among our classmates. And some of my friends jokingly said:
"Taknak la sedorm dgan Mayam. Nanti xle belajar."
I accepted the joke with good humour. And by the end of year, the people who were in my dorm got really great marks. And they told me at year end:
"We learnt from you that studying doesn't have to be stressful. That's why our results got better."
Of course I had to fight back the "Told you so!" on the tip of my tongue and just smiled out my congratulations to them.

These are among the few, but I grew up with the mindset,
1. People may not like me.
2. People may be hurt from what I say.
3. People may not be accepting of my crazy, energetic ways.
4. People may be rimas of me.

But these things have somehow taught me a lot. I try to show good common sense and suit myself with the surroundings. As Mai said: "MJ's common sense is top notch." Ahaha. Uish, malulah~ But I'd have to thank Allah for that. :)

People say that the middle child are the best socialites. This I have to agree on. Because we have had to fight for attention since we were babies. So, we somehow know how to hide in the background when we don't want to be noticed. We know how to shine and be in the spotlight when we want to. It's part of our survival. And I'm somehow glad I'm a middle child.

Common sense is something else I'd like to ponder about in future entries. But for now, I just want people to know that:

The happy, cheerful, energy-filled Maryam is actually a whiny, insecure, too much thinking brat. Just don't be suprised if you see her sad.

And my friends and family who accept that whiny, bratty me, I love you. For people who can reassure me of my insecurities, I love you most. :D

That's it for now. So, what are your childhood traumas which made you the person you are today? Something interesting to ponder on.

Until next time, Asslamualaikum. Peace, everyone. :)